Philip, June 14, 2015 your baby boy turned 12 years old. It was awesome that I had him visit me from Ohio on his birthday week. He is so loving and handsome just like you. He is tall like your brother Jay. He has your personality and even makes little expressions like you did. Strange since he was 7 months old when you left us that he does these things just like you. I finally was able to explain to him why you took your life. It was very hard for me to do. He has been having some problems with accepting your death. He is trying to understanding why you did not want to be here with him. Cameron is going thru grief from the loss of his chance to be with you. The grief counselor said that is normal because he feels cheated. I explained with the best of my ability why you were hurt and sad inside. We both cried and hugged each other til we could continue talking. All I know is that he will need lots of love and encouragement over the years. He misses the hugs and the opportunities he could have shared with you. It is times like these that I feel totally helpless. It is times like these I feel overwhelming hatred for Heidi Bailey. Her selfishness cost me and your family so much. She did not pull that trigger but she placed the gun in your hands. Cameron is an amazing, loving, funny, and caring child. I hope that he will understand more as he gets older about the why? you took your life. I also pleaded with him to understand that suicide is NEVER the answer to end pain. Give him signs you are close to him if you can. He is a lonely young man. His Mother is working and going to school so he is alone a lot. Sandra is trying to make their lives better. He understands that. I am 63 now so I am one year closer to seeing you again. You would be so proud of Jay. He has been the Son I needed to help me over these sad times. Yet, I feel hurt because who does he have to turn to when he hurts? Rhonda and I try our best to be there for him. He misses having you to share his thoughts and feelings with. If we Only Knew???? is the way we all feel about how we could have saved you. I pray that you have peace, love and happiness now. You deserve that, being you had your hell living on this earth. Love you my baby boy.